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BrandiGirl
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Bernadette
2002-09-20 // 12:11 p.m.
GROWING UP
***BRUCE AGAIN
Brandi and I are DC bound (my home) in October, it should be a very festive weekend, parties, family, a Redskins game, what fun what fun. Last time Brandi went home with me was in December before Christmas. She got to meet all my family and lots ands lots of friends.. shoot even people I hadn�t seen for years. The one thing that was missing on that trip was her meeting my mother.
I was so close to my mother growing up, probably because I was the youngest and my sisters and Brother got married so damn young, we were left to ourselves when I was still in high school. Most of you know already that I did live with my mother until I was 27 (did I really just admit that to everyone) But really it was great.. we had so much fun together, hitting the Mexican restaurant, her having 1 Margarita and being tipsy� she�s so cute�����
I could go on and on about all the wonderful things and sacrifices she made for my family and me.
My Mother is a Carmelite Nun, which means that she has made her promises and has been ordained as a Carmel in the Catholic Church. In 1998 I decided I was going to �come out� to my mother with much apprehension from my family. She was the only one at this point who did not know, and with the catholic beliefs you can understand why. She had already NOT attended my sister�s second wedding because she did not get the first one annulled, and they are close too. I can�t imagine how much that hurt my sister. If my mom went she would be accepting the wedding and to her it was wrong. This left me really scared of her reaction to me. And although everyone felt I shouldn�t do it, I just couldn�t live that lie anymore with her. I would have a major change in life and she would have no idea.
So, tell her I did.
I won�t go into details, but I think that overall I was lucky. I got the �love the sinner, hate the sin�. Ok great, she still loves me. Over the past few years, some things with her have been very difficult. She, in her attempt to save me, compares me to a thief, to having a disease, etc. you get the point. Went home one time with some friends for the march on Washington and my sister had a family over so we could get a quick chance to see each other and my mom said she was going to come but didn�t, so I didn�t see her at all that weekend. Our contact has become less & less and when we do, it never involves my personal life. Although I have refused to circle around the issue and act like this isn�t my life. I bring up my volunteer work with HRC and I don�t hesitate from saying Brandi�s name when talking about things we do (well in public .hee hee.. thought I�d make a funny in the middle of all this seriousness)..anyway..
My mom happened to ask Lisa if she had heard from me lately and asked how I was doing. Well, Lisa got a bit bold and said. �Mom, if you really want to know, her and Brandi broke up� (no comments from the peanut gallery out there) then my mom actually asked if we were living together.. WHAAAAT, this blew my mind.. you mean no comment like �GOOD� now maybe she will do the right thing?? Then I actually talk to my mom and bring the situation up about Brandi and I, and say that I tend to over analyze things and that drives her crazy, she says �Your father used to do that and I would get sooo mad� Oh my word, my mom and I just had a connection, a bonding moment. She was great, then sent me a nice little quote that wasn�t even from the church.
Now that Brandi and I are back together, and doing wonderfully I might add, I�m thinkin I really want you to meet my mom. It is more important to me than I realized. So I send my mom a sweet email telling her that we will be in town and our agenda, and please mom please can we come and see you. It is important to me that she meets my mother. I tell her I will give her a few days to think about it and call her.
I talked to my mother on Wednesday and she told me that she could not do it. It is wrong, I have given up on the lord and she can�t be around it. Me, being billy bad ass, say well mom, I won�t be able to see you that weekend then. Her response broke my heart. I am scared about our future, I think about when I am with someone for years and years, and we buy a house together, or have a child together (I�m no spring chicken anymore ya know) Will my mother still be a part of my life? After 4 years of knowing, her thoughts/feelings still haven�t changed, will they ever? Will she die thinking my soul is going to hell? Does she hurt everyday because of this? What is the answer? Do I stand up for who I am with her, or just accept how she feels and live the charade as if that part of my life does not exist!
Why is it that we usually have to sacrifice something for our happiness?