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The Purpose
2002-07-31 // 2:26 p.m.
LOOKING FOR THE PURPOSE!!
I have been at my job for 4 � years now! When I first started here I had to assess the situation and quickly realized that working at a very old prestigious �conservative� country club, it was best if I kept my sexuality to myself. Mind you, I was completely out at the Ritz so this kinda sucked. I sat at lunch with these two women I worked with but just sat and listened to their stories about their families etc.. Of course I chimed in a bit, �oh I went to a concert this weekend, or �oh my friend had some friends over� �After two years the controller (who actually hired me) left after having her second baby. So that left just barb (with whom this whole blog is about) and I having lunch together everyday. At this point I had told 2 people at the club that I was gay, one of them was gay herself and the other a girl started working about the same time I did. My secret seemed safe enough, so far. I had heard nothing from anyone after telling them, so I�m pretty confident they kept their mouth shut. I have lunch with Barb everyday, and now I�m like �Kimi, just tell her, it will be fine, you can trust her, she seems to really care about you�
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING�I remember coming into work one morning, hadn�t been here for 10 minutes and Barb comes in my office, �Guess what� �what� �don�t tell that I told you� �ok� �Dianne is pregnant� �great, that�s great� So about 10 minutes later when Dianne wanted to share her great news with me, I had to act stupid (zip it) and act like I didn�t know. What, I ask you, was Barb�s purpose for stealing Dianne�s thunder??? Did it make her feel more important because she knew something before I did? Why would someone do that?
Barb appeared to be ok with it everything, asked some stupid questions, like are you the man or woman..argh (why people why?)! Anyway of course I asked her to not tell anyone. She says �oh of course not!� Two weeks later I go to DC for the March on Washington, but you see, I tell everyone I�m going home to see my family, what a coincidence, worked out perfectly. I get back to work on Monday (well probably Tuesday hee hee) I get a call from the �gay� girl that I told, and she goes �What in the world did you tell the business office before you left?� Nothing, just that I was going out of town to see my family� She proceeds to tell me that she got a call from someone who worked no where near the business office saying that I had professed to the business office my gayness and had gone to DC for a LESBIAN march.. I confronted Barb, and expressed that I knew she had told people, she continually insisted that she hadn�t! She knew I didn�t believe her, she had to!� but, even after that, I still continued to maintain a pretty good relationship with her. I felt like I made a choice to tell her, I need to deal with the outcome. I had continued to share personal information with her, until recently that is. Yes she did it again�one day she didn�t realize I was behind her and I totally busted her talking (telling something personal) about me to our IT guy who doesn�t even work for the club or even give a shit about me & my business I�m sure! He later told me that along time ago she told him I was gay! WHY??
And now for the power trip�
If you wonder why I may not get your email.
1) it�s because our server sucks and works about 60% (I�m being generous) of the time. So I opened up a Hotmail account so I can get those important 401(k) discrimination testing reports that they said I got 3 weeks ago�
2) Well guess what? she saw I was using Hotmail and Hotmail is now a forbidden site�so I open up a yahoo account yesterday.. why? Our server wasn�t working again and I needed to email something to the printers�
3) Well guess what? Yahoo is now a forbidden site! So does she have nothing better to do but sit over the server and see what I am doing? She is not my boss, I can�t figure out why she would care? Ahhhh, I get it, it�s the POWER she wants to feel she has, but really doesn�t
So my question in all this is why has God blessed (if you want to call it that) her with the capacity to be a completely judgmental, (I didn�t even go into that) distrusting, gossiping, power hungry person? And why would the path of someone like that, cross mine? Is it to continue to help me remember the importance of not talking about others, of not judging others? The importance of being honest, open and direct with people? (I know, I got the direct part down!) But is it also to help me to protect myself and understand the importance of not being so naive about the capabilities of others?
Well, I think I would rather continue going on and finding the good in others and giving people the benefit of the doubt, having the trust until you take it away from me sort of thing!