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Seeing the light
2002-08-21 // 9:51 a.m.
LOSING MY RELIGION??????
Saturday was a day of drinking with the guys, and around the table we went with my famous question game: �Who�s your top 5?� etc� then along came the religion question. Can�t exactly remember the question but of course it sparked some serious conversation, especially surrounding the sexual orientation, the sin, and the decision to live that way! So I gave my rendition of my thoughts and the decision to live my life this way and what may happen to me/my soul when I pass. I say �who really REALLY knows about the after life and where you go?� �I feel I am a good person, with good values etc. I live my life the best I can but choose to live on this earth as who I am.� (Sounded good to me)
I was then posed with the question������So you�re Agnostic???????�
WAH??��������������������������������������� ���������������������������������������������������(silence)�������������������������������. Then a long drawn out�..NOOOOOOOO!
Those of you who know my spiritual background might be as surprised as I was to that question. ME? Little Catholic me with the Carmelite NUN as a mother�..
But then I started thinking� Did my drunkard response actually warrant that question? Then Monday at work, I got into another conversation about religion and about going to heaven, hell, or purgatory, the acceptance of Christ, and the after life. Had my views and comments actually changed that much from my Catholic background that someone thought I was Agnostic? So thinking & thinking I have been doing about this.
Let me rewind a bit and say that my Catholic upbringing has gotten me through some rough times. When I was around 26 I was dealing with some really difficult things in my life and where did I turn? To the Church!! I went to confession and began over two years straight of attending mass without missing one Sunday, no matter where I was, out of town at a wedding, at the beach and even when I moved to Atlanta.. Shoot every time I have something difficult going on till this day I turn to the church. So when did the streak stop? The second I kissed a girl!! WHY? Was it my guilt, knowing the churches view on that, feeling like a hypocrite praying etc. and knowing god knew everything I was doing? Yes, I guess it was. And now through the years you mean to tell me I have begun questioning heaven and its existence? Well that certainly must of come across in my comments. Why, Why? Am I rationalizing my decision to live this lifestyle? Am I now so afraid that god is not accepting of me, all of me, so therefore I am not going to heaven? So to make me feel better I just shun its existence?
Well, that is indeed what I have done! But no more! In my discussion at work, I realized that yes, living this lifestyle might be a sin, (to some) but all people sin and in many different ways, and just because you sin doesn�t mean you don�t go to heaven! So I will continue to live my life as best I can, knowing that I have sinned in the past, present and I�m pretty sure in the future. But the difference is, I do accept that there is a god, a higher being, and whatever it may be to you, and with that I will KNOW and STAND by the fact that in my acceptance of this being�